Advices

Anonymous question : Coming out older

Hey, I’m 35 and I just came out as a lesbian. I never had sex with a woman and it stresses me out , it makes me feel like I’m a « virgin » … how do I approach a woman ? How to feel confident in my new identity

Hey, first of all thank you for trusting me with your question, those are really valid interrogation and I’m excited to answer them because I feel like it applies to so many situations! So I’m not in any way a professional, I’m answering from my own experience as a queer human and with the knowledge I acquired by going to workshops, attending classes or reading on these subjects. Exploring my sexuality was something that brought up a looot of anxieties.

The fear of not being enough, of not knowing how to act with someone that is not a cis man. Feeling unsure about my identity, internalizing biphobic and homophobic discourse, thinking my sexuality is just a phase or even a lie … What really helped me embrace my identity was reading about queer and trans related subject. I would read so many articles, watch a bunch of videos to try to articulate who I was. Reaching out to local organization or joining Facebook groups also helped me.

I also felt the strong pressure that I need to have queer sex to be queer. That my queer fantasies and desires were not enough. But no, i did not need to have queer sex to be queer. I knew I was queer so I was. The first time I had sex with another queer person I was fuckin anxious … what if I fail … what if she notices I’m a fraud, etc. But no, everything went okay and the more we got to know each other the better it got. Vocal consent really helped me getting to know and communicate my desires and insecurities. When I started to have sexual encounter with other folks I noticed that I felt the same stress every time. I also noticed that this stress slowly transformed itself into anticipation, excitement. Even today, when I’m about to try something new sexually or to have sex with a new person, I feel anxious, unsure… but I feel confident that I can share my insecurities and that everything will be okay.

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