On top surgery and jealousy

Yesterday, one of my partners got top surgery and I had the privilege to accompany them during that important moment. Having someone close to me getting top surgery was way harder then I thought it would be. I thought seeing them happy would only bring me joy. Seeing their sparkly eyes would surely be enough? Instead, I felt strong jealousy, jealousy that made me sick to my stomach, jealousy that made me cry in the lobby of the gender reassignment surgery clinic.

I felt so fuckin guilty to cry on their big day. Why did I have to make it about myself? It made me realize that I need that surgery way more then I thought. That I built up a bunch of coping mechanisms to reduce the pain but fuck …it hurts. When we got back home, it made me so happy to see them try on new and old clothes to see how they fit. It also made me think of all those shirts that I own but never wear because « they will fit better after surgery ». While I was trying to enjoy that beautiful moment of gender euphoria with them, in the back of my mind i would constantly remind myself that I’m not happy in my body.

I really want to care and be there for them, but wow, it hurts. I need to make sure to remind myself to take care of myself, so that I’ll offer better care in return. I’m so thankful that I was able to accompany them to their surgery. Seeing the facility and procedures really made me feel more confident in my capacity to go through with it. Being trans is a wild fuckin ride, and I’m happy to be surrounded by trans folks that support and love me every day.

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