Do you feel comfortable sharing your desires and personal boundaries with your sexual partner(s)?
Personally, I started to feel more comfortable sharing my boundaries and needs when I started to be dominant in bed. The sexual violences I experienced were in a heteronormative context where I was put in a submissive position. Being in the dominant role gave me the chance to engage in conversations about sexual boundaries and desires without triggering my past traumas. I discovered that I felt much more comfortable in a sexually dominant role. Before coming out, sex always made me anxious. I couldn’t talk about sex with friends without being visibly uncomfortable. Exploring my queer sexuality and chatting with other queer folks about sex made me realize that I was stuck in a heteronormative definition of sex. That my anxiety came from not being able to define my own vision of sex.
Exploring my sexual desire, was also a new way for me to explore my gender identity. At the time, I was freshly out of the closet as a “lesbian” and questioning my gender identity made me really anxious. You see, my coming-out was an intense process that left me with a bunch of bad coping mechanisms and anxieties. I was not ready for a second coming-out process even if I knew I was not cis.
I just want to point out that being sexually dominant and masculine is in no way related. But for me, exploring my sexual dominant side also made me explore my masculinity. It was the first context where I allowed myself to be more “masculine” whatever that means. It made me feel good to discover that I can be rough and soft at the same time. That I can be dominant and caring.
Lately, I’ve been trying to slowly explore my submissive side and it’s been a wild ride Being submissive puts me in such a vulnerable space, and it’s frankly scary. I know that building my own definition of sex will take a lifetime, that my desire will change through time and I’m still figuring out how to accept that my sexuality is not linear.